Late Nights

From Last week onwards, every night I had stay up till at least 3am in the morning. Either been out or at home playing online pool. Even though the next day had to work, I would still keep myself awake thru out the night.

Keeping myself occupied. Keeping all rubbish thoughts out of my mind. Preventing all emotions from affecting me. Dun no longer wish to know or understand why things had to come to such a state. Just sincerely hope you will be happy no matter what you do.

I think....

Some times I think too much. Why do I even bother to think some might ask. Its kinda in me really. Even last time as a child I used to think alot of stuff under the sun.

Why certain things must be done in a certain maner. Why can't things be done in a more simple way. I tried to explore my surrounding for an answer or alternative solution to my question. In many times I could comprehend and accept. But my pride in way hinder my learning growth. There are times that I find myself talking to my inner self. Trying to find a reason to why things were. That point of time I kept every thoughts and feelings to myself. My friends, relatives nor my very own parents knew what is going on in my mind or what is my feelings towards certain things.

I used to able to conceal my feelings with a false front. But why now, every emotions is clearly written over this pale face of mine. Does age got any thing to do with it? Or am I bottled up too much feelings inside of me till it could not take it and start to overflow. Does that show I am weak? If so, please dig a deeper hole in me so I could kept all these buried.

Just a thought

Everything happens for a reason. Just for thoughts, you would not develop feelings just for any one. It just had to be the some one who actually catches your eyes or moved your heart. You would not have miss a person if the person does not mean anything to you in the first place. Even if some would say its just memories, but the actual fact that you would have tat kind of thoughts of the person. The person must have still meant some thing to you now.
You would not have feel sad, if some one leaves you unless you fear its forever. All these, some way some how causes your reaction and emotions to current situation. As pointed earlier, everything happen for a reason. Feelings developed does not just goes away, some where along the way there would be miscommunication or misunderstanding. Unless of coz, your heart is still another person. Love to some may be just a game. Do I have enough stakes to play the game as well?

Creature of the Night

For the past few days, I was totally back to the night creature that I was once before. Not feeling the least shagged. What is becoming of me? Wanting to go out at night, regardless of what activities is available. Drinking, bowling, ktv, going to the beach, done that just within my long weekend. What plans is in store for me tonite? I have yet to find out. Certaintly appreciate those people that were with me these few days. It actually make me feel my life is getting back together. Thinking I have done quite a bit, what to do? Should I? Another train of thought started its track on my mind, that I wonder if is the right thing to do. Never really have the courage to tried, this I often regret. Wonder if it would be too late to make any amendment? Would it be right to do so? Am I insane or am I crazy, always carry feelings for the people who had hurt me so?

Just another day without ......

Weekends, used to be so looking forward to. Now a days I kinda dread weekends. If there is no activities to keep me busy. The lonesome feeling comes back to me right in the face. Its just no longer the same. Just fri night, James been screwing me up due to the recently upset that I had. Telling me lots and lots of stuff. Like what they think and tried to do at that point of time. I know tears would not solve any problem. But I could not control tears from overflowing from my heart. Once again, my emotions strike me at that point of time when i was feeling weak. Caught me unaware. Sneak up and just enter my heart. The more he said, the more I tried to fight back those tears. Being friends for so long. Not many had seen me in such a state. None of them, could stand what I had become. He even told me, they don't see that the relationship would come out good. In fact they find it, its good for me that it had ended. Theres many reason behind their thoughts. As he had said, I am some one who will put in all once in a relationship, but is the other party the same as well. That I dunno how to answer him. Part of me feel it that way, another part of me rebutt on that thinking. Its another internal battle inside of me. The side that rebutt that thinking still wants her back. The other side of me wanted to just forget. Its a tag of war of no end. Saying not to think about all these stuff and numbing my own feelings. But in the actual fact, every single thing affect me in a way, whether its concerning her or not. In my mind thers the constant thought of her. Weighing all pros and cons, is it worth it. Is she? I am lost for words. If theres a guide to all matters in the world. I wish it could show me the way. What others are telling me is opposit of what I hope for. Could they be right. Or am i just blind. Matters concerning the hearts is so complicated. Who will be the one. And when will the one appear? Opportunity never knock twice. But the one knocking is it just a hoax or is it for real? You reap what you sow. Is that the case in matter of love? Is it my karma that I had to feel this way? There is too many unknown that it fog my mind. Does own my heart lie to me? Or am I not thinking straight? Logic and feelings ... Could a feeling just fade so easily? Or just an excuse? Of so many people, fate brought me to her. Was it meant to be a joke? A prank on heaven's part? The things I once had believe in just shoot right back at me. Every thing that I thought i did right turn out to be wrong. Am I wrong right in the begining for believing in I was right? These I could never find an answer to it. Even though surrounded by people who does not think it is worth. If she were to come back, I would still open both arms and welcome her. Is that allowing myself to be bitten twice? All of these I do not know. Just deep down, she indeed took quite a big piece of me with her.


Each night falls mark the ending of a day.
It wouldn't stop, no matter sad or gay
Each star mark our fate
Mine no longer put a smile on my face.
Each tear mark her love once so strong
The feelings of before that kept me bond
Each beat of my heart mark my life
If only it could show me what my future lies

The World Which I Cant Call Mine

The place I longs to be, yet I can't call it mine.
Trying to break free, but I kept her in my mind.
Words are left unspoken, the rest she have all taken.
Lonesome nights that left my world shaken
World of emptiness, here I stay.
Waiting for the love, that I dare not say.
Promises of forever are a pack of lies.
It mean nothing when the feeling dies.
All these they call the process of life.
But how many of them truely try.
To lay down feelings and slowly cry.
Feeling remorse, then regret.
Times of long ago now try to forget.
I am not trying make you mad.
Just my heart telling me it feel sad.
Guilt is one thing i never enforce.
For that the feelings would be false.
That be the last thing in my insane mind.
For this is the world i can't call mine.

Here Lies A Dead Poet

My first attempt at blogging. Lots of things is actually going thru my mind even though as i type. Been going thru alot and done too much thinking that it actually scares me. Reality is one thing, the next will be love. What you actually thought may not be what it is in the actual fact. frightening but true. One point of time you could declare your everlasting love and laid down promises of what the future holds. But out of no where, things changes as fast as the clouds in the sky. Promises could be broken, those sweet for nothing whispher and messages that still in my mobile turn merely to nothing but memories. Though advise of wise friends around is flooding all over my sense of hearing. I am too stuborn for my own good, decision of what they may think is the worst is what i had decided. Possibilities of success is near to zero yet I am willing to risk my all once again. Why would one wants to go thru the pain again? You might ask. I could be mad or just a simple fool, though it seem not worth to the rest, but to me, its something I have to do. Otherwise regrets will follow me thru out the rest of my life. Life may seem too short to wait for one person. But its never too short to wait for love. Regardless of what the future outcome this choice I have made. Would she accept me once again? Not to deny, its always been in my mind.

Future only hold what the future lies
Here its lies a dead poet that thought he had die
merely human in flesh nothing great
few things in life could make a man break
here lies a dead poet this he write
all this while i thought i was right
who were to know you took flight
love was no where to be found in sight
pieces of me was left inside

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